


ROKS Xiuhan

by alphabot



Series: EXO Harbor [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Sex Tapes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-22 20:47:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10704792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alphabot/pseuds/alphabot
Summary: Luhan wanted to make a film. Minseok couldn't help but give him what he wanted, he just didn’t realize it would be the last thing he ever gave him.





	ROKS Xiuhan

**Author's Note:**

> This is definitely way too long with too much dialog, not enough good action, and a very horrible attempt at smut. Also, I don’t profess to know anything about the reason’s why Yifan, Luhan, or Zitao left EXO. This is purely a work of fiction.

Minseok rubbed the towel through his hair once more as he made his way from the bathroom to his bedroom. Even if he knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep for at least another hour, he wanted nothing more than to fall into his bed and just lay there. It had been a long and tiring day with a full schedule. He just wanted to rest and relax. Hopefully the others would let him.

Earlier in the van, Jongin and Sehun had invited him out to get bubble tea. What they had really wanted was for him to pay for them. Thankfully they'd taken at his first refusal and let him be, turning to bother Joonmyun to go with them. Knowing the way that those two had their leader wrapped around their fingers he'd probably said yes. It didn't bother Minseok any. That just meant there’d be three less people to make noise in the dorm.

He passed by Baekhyun and Jongdae sitting on the couch in the living room, letting the previews play on a blu ray disc they'd borrowed while they set themselves up for a night of chilling on the couch.

“Want to join us?” asked Baekhyun.

“No thanks,” he said. “I'm just gonna lay down.”

That, of course, earned him some good natured teasing from Jongdae about being an old man. It used to bother him, back when the group was new and everyone was still finding their place in the band. But now he just laughed along with Jongdae. The fact that he was the only other Korean in EXO-M had probably helped him warm up to the boy. But Jongdae had a easy nature that made it impossible not to like him, even if everyone liked to make fun of the fact that he did tend to whine a lot. Minseok tried telling them that he wouldn't whine so much if the others didn't tease him, but somehow they didn't see how it all connected back to each other.

Leaving the two behind to their movie, Minseok finally made it to the hallway where all the bedrooms branched out from. The bedrooms were their sanctuaries, the one place that you could go to if you wanted to be alone. Granted you had to share with someone else, but after a lot of trial and error they'd finally worked out an arrangement that made everyone happy.

At least, they used to have one. Yifan’s departure from the group had hit them all hard. They were supposed to be friends. They were they supposed to be brothers, to always have each other’s back.

They were supposed to be “one”.

But somehow they'd let someone slip through the cracks. Him leaving the group had left more than just a hole in their choreography on stage. It had left a hole in their hearts and an empty bed in their dorms. Ever since he’d left, Zitao had been unable to sleep in the room they’d once shared. Now he usually flip flopped back and forth between Yixing and Jongdae’s room or Minseok and Luhan’s. Sometimes he slept in Joonmyun’s bed, but that wasn't too often.

Minseok pushed open the door to the bedroom he and Luhan shared and walked in. He was halfway inside before he realized that Luhan had pushed their two twin-sized beds together. That, and there were at least two cameras trained on the bed. Maybe a third if the green light next to the webcam on the desk was anything to go by.

“Hey,” Luhan said from where he sat at the desk. He spun around to look at Minseok giving him a glimpse of what he'd been looking at on the computer screen. Sure enough, there was live video feed from not just the three cameras Minseok had seen, but a fourth one as well. 

Minseok took in a deep breath and let it out. Looked like Luhan had plans for the night; a night when all he wanted to do was nothing at all. “Really?” It was all he could think of to say.

“Yeah,” answered Luhan. “We don't have to be anywhere until three tomorrow afternoon.”

Well, that was true. So he guessed Luhan did have a point. He just usually waited until Minseok was busy elsewhere before he did these things.

Minseok threw his damp towel on the hamper. “Let me just get my pillow and I'll be out of your way.”

“What?” said Luhan. “Why? How are we supposed to do this if you're not in the room?”

The statement made Minseok stop short. “‘We?’” He repeated back, turning to look at Luhan fully “You want me here tonight?”

“Of course I want you here.” Luhan was giving him a look that seemed to be saying how else was this going to work.

But Minseok wasn't following along with Luhan's logic, not that the guy had bothered sharing it with him. Why did he want Minseok here? To watch? Minseok wasn't into that.

He wasn't stupid. He knew exactly what Luhan got up to in the room when he wasn't here. Of course, he did. What could you expect when you involve the maknaes of the group? Sehun could never lie to his hyungs, and neither could Jongin. And Tao...well let’s just say that Luhan shouldn't walk away from his computer without closing his tabs.

“Why?”

“Because how am I supposed to film a video without it’s main star.”

Film a video. That’s what Luhan had been doing over the last several months. He’s been filming himself and the other members having sex. He did it as if it was a normal thing to do, as if it wasn't some crazy and forbidden thing. If one of the videos were to leak, it'd been be the end of his career, maybe even the end of the entire careers of all of the members in EXO.

But Luhan didn’t care, or he chose not to show it if he did. He made them anyway, filming during rare empty blocks of time in their hectic schedules, editing during moments stolen from their busy lives. Minseok had even caught Luhan getting off to one of his videos once before. He’d been so into the sounds and scenes on his computer that the didn’t even notice Minseok come and leave. And now it seemed he wanted Minseok star in his next one.

“You want to make a video of me?” Minseok asked. 

“With you,” Luhan corrected him.

“Why?” Minseok didn’t like the emotions that seemed to fill that simple one word of a question. 

But he couldn’t help it. He and Luhan had never talked about it, but there was something between them. There had always been something, yet neither one had acted on it. Because the risks were too great. Between struggling as trainees, the actual pain and agony of debuting together, and everything else that life threw at them as idols, they’d always simply danced around it, never acknowledging whatever it was that was between them. And Minseok knew that they never would.

So why was Luhan suddenly asking him to do this? He had to know what it would mean to Minseok if they did this. He had to know that what this would do to them, to their relationship. What it would do to the band.

“Because it’s always been you, Minseok. And I’m tired of fighting it.” Luhan slowly got up from the chair and walked over to where Minseok had stopped, frozen in the middle of the room. “Aren’t you?” he asked when he was close enough to be in Minseok’s personal space. He reached out to gently grasp onto Minseok’s arm, his thumb gently rubbing small circles that seemed to sear into his skin. “Minseok, please.”

Minseok shook his head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“You know why.” Minseok took a step back, away from the touches he’d yearned for for so long. “This will change everything.”

“Why does it have to change anything? Why can’t we just stay the same?”

 

“Are you really saying that to me right now?” Minseok asked incredulously. “Maybe it won’t mean anything to you, but it will to me.” He turned around to walk back out of the room.

A night suffering with Baekhyun and Jongdae didn’t seem so unbearable anymore. But Luhan pulled him back with a tight grip on his arm.

“It’ll mean everything to me,” he bite out. The harshness with which he said it actually made Minseok turn around and look back at him. There was a nakedness to his eyes, a whole ocean of unspoken words and motions held back by sheer force of will. “You mean everything to me.”

Minseok took a deep breath, steeling himself to say words that he knew needed to be said, even if they were words that deep in his heart he disagreed with. “We shouldn’t do this,” he said. “We can’t do this.”

“Just this once, can’t we think about ourselves?”

“It’s not just us, Luhan. There’s Joonmyun, Chanyeol, the rest of the members.”

How Luhan made himself seem smaller than Minseok was beyond him. But he managed it somehow, gazing up at Minseok with eyes that resembled an innocent doe. “Please,” he said. “For me, Baozi”

Silence filled the room for a moment, so deep that the sounds of whatever movie was playing in the living room managed to seep into their bedroom. He tried to fight it, tried to at least attempt to resist. But Minseok had never been good at denying Luhan anything. He let himself be tugged into Luhan’s waiting arms. Even as he watched Luhan inch closer and closer, as their lips drew nearer and nearer, he struggled to hold back. But by the first brush of their lips, even chaste as it was, he knew he was done for. He let out a self-depreciating huff of air and gave in.

 

It didn’t take long for Luhan to have him on his back on the joined beds. He didn’t even remember the act of falling back onto them. All he knew was the feeling of Luhan’s lips on his, kissing him so deeply that they broke every fantasy Minseok had ever had about the feel of Luhan’s kiss. He didn’t want to stop, not even to breathe and certainly not to break apart long enough for Luhan to get Minseok’s t-shirt off. When it came time to return the favor Minseok opted for just ripping Luhan’s shirt so he doesn’t have to lose the feel of Luhan’s lips.

“Hey,” Luhan breathed out over the sounds of buttons popping. 

“I’ll buy you another one,” Minseok said.

Luhan ducked his head into the crook of Minseok’s neck and laughed. “What if I said that it was yours anyway?” he said before mouthing his way down his chest.

Minseok’s reply was lost to the gasp he let out as Luhan tongued his nipple, playing with it until it was an angry red. Then he switched sides, bathing his left side with as much devotion he’d showed the right, and all Minseok could do was give in to the sensations Luhan was making him feel. He tried holding his reactions back, biting his lip to keep the sounds from coming out. But Luhan came back up to tease his bottom lip from the white of Minseok’s teeth.

“Uh-uh,” he tsked. “None of that. Don’t hold anything a back. I want to hear you, I want to hear everything.”

Then Luhan was moving his hands to play with both of his nipples simultaneously. The noise it pulled from him was somewhere between a groan and a shriek. His hips bucked up of their own accord. The friction was brief, almost barely there, but Minseok found himself moving his hips again, seeking to rub his hardening length against Luhan’s own.

Luckily Luhan got the message because he moved to press himself down against Minseok, his whispered praises tickling his ear. “Luhan,” Minseok groaned out.

“Fuck, Seokkie” Luhan said. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve thought of this? How many nights I’d dreamed of doing this to you? The things that I would do to you? ”

“Is that what you thought of when you were fucking the maknaes?” Minseok didn’t bother to hold back the jealousy in his voice.

“Is that the type of person you think I am?” Luhan pushed his hand down on Minseok’s still clothed cock. “Fuck you. I would never do that. I care about them.”

“And yet you fucked them anyway.”

“It’s not like you’re some blushing virgin either.” He undid the tie on Minseok’s sweats and slipped his hand inside eliciting another moan from him. “Don’t you dare compare yourself to the others. You’re different from them, this is different. You know that.”

Minseok tried to think of something to say back to him, but the feel of Luhan’s hand on his cock was more than enough to distract him. The way that it moved against him, the feel of someone else's warmth holding him. But Luhan must have wanted a response, for he stopped his fondling to get Minseok’s attention.

“Tell me you know that this is different,” he said once Minseok had looked at him. “Tell me you know how much this means to me.”

Minseok didn’t say anything at first. He knew exactly what Luhan was talking about, and he knew Luhan knew he knew it. He’d practically said as much before they’d even gotten started. But deep down it still hurt that Luhan had slept with the others, that he could do something like that while his heart was wrapped up with another.

“Why did you do it?” he whispered out. As much as the answer would hurt, Minseok wanted it anyway. He wanted the truth. Yet the answer he received was not exactly what he’d expected.

“Because I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted us to be perfect,” Luhan said. “You should’ve seen the first one I made. It was horrible, bad lighting, bad camera angles. But now, I’m ready to make my best film yet. And it’s gonna be perfect.”

Despite his earlier jealousy, Minseok found himself laughing in disbelief. “You slept with them just to practice making a sex tape?” 

“Trust me, this is gonna be the best one. Because it’s with you.”

And just like that Minseok gave in yet again. He let Luhan strip him of his sweats and boxers in one go, let him have his way with his body, manhandle and manuever it into any which way he wanted. He caught sight of one of the cameras, and for a fleeting moment Minseok was reminded of their presence, trained on the bed to catch his every movement, record every gasp and moan he made. But then Luhan’s mouth was on his dick and thoughts of being taped went out of his head.

The way he licked and sucked up and down Minseok’s shaft, Luhan took him to the brink in what seemed like no time at all. But just before he sent Minseok tumbling over the edge he pulled off, moving instead of press open mouth kisses to his bare thighs.

“Fuck,” Minseok breathed out. “That was almost too fast.”

Luhan chuckled. “Baekhyun barely lasted a minute before he came for the first time.”

There were two things that Minseok caught about the comment. The first, was the words “first time”. And the second, was that Luhan had said Baekhyun, not one of the maknaes.

“Baekhyun,” he repeated. “How many of them have you slept with?”

“You’ll be my twelfth video. My best and my last.”

Twelfth. That mean Luhan had made one with each and every other member of EXO. Except the math didn’t quite add up. “Minus you, there’s only eleven of us.”

Luhan laughed again. “The first one was so bad that I had to erase everything and make Sehun retape it all.” His eyes dances with amusement. “Why, are you jealous?”

“Damn right.” The reply flew out of Minseok before he even knew he’d thought it.

Luhan sat up a bit, taken back by the naked emotion Minseok had let slip out. He was a little hurt by the anger, but then he just smiled and crouched back over to cage Minseok in. “Don’t be,” he said. “You’re gonna outshine them all.” And then they were kissing again, hands roaming everywhere on each other’s bodies.

Luhan had stripped Minseok of everything, but he was still in his jeans. Minseok flipped them over so he could remedy that, peeling Luhan out of them and leaving him in only a pair of white cotton briefs that did little to restrain the tent of arousal that was Luhan’s cock. He mouthed it through the fabric, his spit making the briefs transparent. Even covered Minseok thought it was the most beautiful thing he’d seen. He managed to find the head and proceeded to give it little kitten licks, teasing it with promises of what would come should it ever be freed from the confines of the briefs.

Luhan inhaled sharply when Minseok moved to mouth more of him. “See, I told you you’d be the best.”

Minseok stopped what he was doing and looked up to glare at Luhan. The continued reminder of Luhan’s past escapades with the other members was not something he wanted to hear about at the moment, or ever, really. But Luhan seemed determined to remind him about it. So far he’d compared him to at least two of them. Who knew how many other silent comparisons he’d already made as well. It made Minseok’s blood boil.

And yet Luhan kept going, as if he enjoyed the reaction those comparisons pulled from him. “Taozi doesn’t have a gag reflex, and Sehun didn’t even know how to suck cock the first time. He was better the second though, but I could tell he’d had some practice with Jongin.”

Minseok pushed himself up and crawled his way back up Luhan’s body until he was staring straight down at him. And still, the dark haired beauty beneath just smiled and continued on. “Yixing’s as flexible as shit. And Chanyeol’s legs-” 

Minseok dipped down to press a kiss to Luhan in an attempt to shut him up. But the moment he pulled back Luhan continued as if nothing had happened. “Boy’s got muscles made for riding dick. Joonm-uph!”

This time Minseok timed it so that he could press an opened mouth kiss, his tongue slipping into Luhan’s mouth and instantly silencing him. This time it worked. Luhan brought his hands up to hold Minseok in place even as his tongue let Minseok win their battle for dominance. It was only when he absolutely had to pull back else he pass out from lack of air that Minseok did, his chest heaving with the effort it took to draw in deep breaths to replenish his air deprived lungs.

Luhan found his breath first, rolling them over until he’s once again on top. With a dramatic flair that can only be for the benefit of the cameras in the room, Luhan finally striped himself of his briefs leaving him just as naked and exposed as Minseok. Then he reached out to position Minseok until he was right where he wanted him, perfectly lined up for the cameras to catch every detail as he slowly and ever so reverently stroked Minseok’s aching cock. Even if he took his time, it was clear that he knew what he was doing. It was in the way that he teased and worked Minseok’s cock until he managed to find just the right angle, just the right grasp, just the right twist that made Minseok’s whole body resonate with pleasure.

“Lu, I’m can’t… I’m gonna…” Minseok tried to hold back. But he’d dreamed about this for so long, and now that it was finally happening it was so much better than he’d ever imagined. It was all too much. 

“Come for me, Minseok,” Luhan said, voice barely more than a whisper in his ear.

And because it was Luhan, Minseok did just that, painting his stomach with thick ropes of white with such force that some of it makes it all the way up to his chin. Entirely spent, all Minseok could do was pant for air as Luhan gazed down at him with sheer adoration, the thumb of his hand smearing the cum on his chin around a bit before he leaned down to lick it clean with his mouth.

“You’re amazing, Seokkie,” Luhan breathed out. “Perfectly amazing.”

 

Luhan didn’t give him long before he started again. This time he had him on his elbows, his knees bent beneath him to raise his ass up in the air. Luhan ate him out as he’d starved himself all day, his tongue pushing in as deep as it possibly could, and his fingers pushing in even deeper to find that bundle of nerves that had the power to unravel Minseok all over again. A particularly deep touch from Luhan’s lean yet powerful fingers forced out a moan so lewd Minseok could hardly believe it passed from his own lips. “Fuck,” he breathed out.

“Feel good?”

“Yes.” It was so good that it was reducing Minseok’s thoughts until it was all he could think about. He almost wished he could find a way to stay like this forever even as he wished for even more.

“Yifan made me orgasm just by doing this. I was so screwed out of my mind I just laid there and let him fuck me like i was some two-dime whore.”

Minseok was almost too far gone for the implications of what Luhan had said to register, but he wasn’t that far gone. “You let him fuck you?” He would never admit it, but the idea of Luhan lying there with the older Chinese member pounding into him made Minseok even harder than he was.

“I did,” said Luhan, but there was a token note of melancholy in his words that made Minseok pick his head up off the mattress and look over his shoulder at him. “It was a part of the deal, make him stay. I guess I should have bargained harder.”

Minseok spun around until he was flat on his back and pulled Luhan down to capture his lips with his own. “It’s not your fault,’ he whispered, hopefully low enough that the cameras wouldn’t pick it up.

“I saw it coming,” Luhan whispered back just a softly. “I could have stopped it.”

“We all saw it, we just…” Minseok couldn’t really find the right words. They’d all seen it, and some of them had actually tried to do something. Minseok had, he was the oldest and felt an obligation. And apparently Luhan had tried to make Yifan stay too. “We did our best.” It was true of at least him and Luhan, Joonmyun and Kyungsoo too. And yet Yifan had still left.

“Show me what you got,” he said, this time little louder. He moved his hips to brush his softening erection against Luhan’s, a reminder of what they were supposed to be doing.

Luhan got the message and pushed his fingers back into Minseok’s waiting hole. It was a little painful, the earlier ease that his spit had provided gone now that they’d paused for a bit. But he quickly took care of that by bringing his mouth back down to his waiting warmth.

Minseok gave himself over to his bandmate. He let himself get lost in the sensations of his tongue brushing against his hole, in the touches he burned into his skin, in the pleasures his strokes made deep within him. When Luhan had finally had enough fun teasing the hell out of Minseok’s ass he finally got up to reach over towards the nightstand for a foil packet. 

Before he tore it open he glanced back at Minseok, their eyes meeting and capturing each other’s. He stilled, hand with the condom frozen in midair as their eyes had an entire silent conversation. Minseok shook his head the smallest fraction. And Luhan smiled warmly, but he didn’t set the condom down. Instead he jerked his head over to the side as if indicating something. At first Minseok didn’t understand, there was nothing on the desk, nothing out of the ordinary. But then he caught sight of four different images of him and Luhan stretch out on the bed.

“Fuck it,” he said out loud with a shake of his head large enough for the cameras to catch.

Luhan smiled brightened and he tossed the condom back onto the nightstand right next to the still yet to be used bottle of lube.

Minseok moved to get on all fours again, but Luhan stopped him. “I want to see you,” he said.

So he laid back and pulled his knees up to his chest, spreading himself wide open for Luhan to see. The sight of him ready and willing sent a twitch to Luthan’s dick, a single drop of precome falling to join the other stains already on the bed sheets. He positioned Minseok right where he wanted him, sucked his fingers to get them wet, and then used them to make sure Minseok was stretched enough.

“Luhan,” Minseok pleaded.

And maybe Luhan had just as much a hard time denying him and he did Luhan. He slid into Minseok, the crown of his cock popping in as if it was coming home, the rest of him slipping in to follow. He bottomed out, holding still to let Minseok get used to the stretch. But his mouth was everywhere it could reach on Minseok and his hands were everywhere they could reach.

Only when Minseok gave him the word did Luhan begin his slow and sensual pace. It was heaven. Yet as good as it felt, Minseok still wanted more. He needed more after all the teasing that Luhan had done to him. “Please,” he said. “Please, Luhan.” But his appeals went unheeded. He found himself pushing back to try and increase the pace, found himself clenching down to force Luhan’s hand.

Luhan held back for as long as he possibly could, but he was only human. With a deep and throaty moan he let himself go. From then it was all instinct. His pounding was brutal and animalistic, and yet it was exactly what Minseok wanted, what he needed.

Almost, that is. He still needed one more thing. He reached out with his hand to grab his own neglected dick, delirious with the need to come yet again. But barely two strokes in, Luhan pulled his hand back with a painful hold on his wrist.

“You’re gonna come untouched,” he said between deep breaths for air.

“Please, Luhan,” Minseok said in what could only be described as begging. “I need it, please.”

“Untouched,” he said again.

“I can’t.”

“You can,” he said through gritted teeth. “For me.”

He pushed Minseok back until he was almost folded in half, bending Minseok like he’s never been bent before. But the new angle only served to let Luhan hit every sweet spot Minseok seemed it have. He kept up his crushing pace, and despite himself and his cries of protest, Minseok managed to do exactly as Luhan ordered. He came untouched, his cum raining down onto his chest in thick white liquid ropes. And Luhan followed him only moments later, filling Minseok up with his own cum. He fucked him through both their orgasms, his hips thrusting to a rhythm of their own making until it was all too much and even his sheer determination couldn’t keep him going.

He collapsed onto Minseok. Minseok was so sated he didn’t even care.

 

It seemed like forever before they’d managed to regain their breaths. Luhan lifted his head from where he’d buried it in the crook of Minseok’s neck and looked down at him with the most beautiful smile Minseok had probably ever seen him wear. They kissed, this time unhurried and gentle, fond and full of unspoken emotion. Yet even if it was unspoken, Minseok felt it anyway.

The crushing weight of it all traitorously brought tears to his eyes. He tried to appear nonchalant about them, bringing up a hand to clear them, but Luhan beat him to it. He tenderly wiped them away with his thumb, an enamored smile on his lips.

“I bet none of the others cried afterwards,” Minseok said, half disbelieving that it was him bringing up Luhan’s nights with the other members.

“Joonmyun did,” Luhan admitted. “But you do it so much more prettily.” He pulled back, pulling Minseok up with him. Somehow he managed to spin Minseok around so that they could lay spooned on the bed all without pulling his half-hard cock out of Minseok’s hole. It was quite an impressive feat.

“Who’d you learn that from?” Minseok asked once Luhan had him positioned the way he wanted him. It left him fully exposed for the one of cameras, but Minseok found that he didn’t care anymore.

“Kyungsoo. He’s deceptively strong. Made him demonstrate it a few times so I’d get it right.” Luhan brought a hand around to caress Minseok’s nipples. “Wouldn’t let me try it on him though.”

“You let him fuck you too?”

Luhan squeezed one of his nipples, making him hiss. “Like I said, he’s strong. Not to mention stubborn.”

They lay there together, basking in the warmth of each other’s body and the reassurance of each other’s presence. In that moment, Minseok felt like he had everything he could want out of life. It was as if he and Luhan had managed to let down their guards at finally be themselves and be real. It really did feel perfect, even if the red light Minseok was starting at told him it was all just for the cameras.

It felt like love.

“Minseok…”

“Hmm?” he said when Luhan didn’t continue after a while.

“Minseok, I… I really… I…“

“Jongdae,” Minseok said, cutting him off. “You told me about everyone else, but not Jongdae.”

Luhan’s arm tightened up just the slightest bit. For a moment Minseok thought the spell they were under was over. But it seemed Luhan was just as reluctant to let it go as he was. “Jongdae’s insatiable. Had to get him off four times.” He brought his hand down to fondle Minseok’s now flaccid dick. “But I’m pretty sure you can top that.”

Minseok did.

-

Minseok walked into his bedroom and laid his duffel bag on the floor. The room was different now. It felt empty. But it was more than just because half of the room was void of belongings.

No, the emptiness was more than just physical. It was also, and perhaps more so, the empty feeling one felt in your heart. The feeling you got when someone walked out of your life and seemed to take everything with it.

Luhan was gone, never to return. He had walked away from EXO, from everything that they’d been working for together as a group.

But more importantly, he had walked away from Minseok.

Minseok was so lost right now that he didn’t know what to feel. The others tried to cheer him up, tried to help him see that it wasn’t really his fault. It was the company, they’d said. It was Luhan himself. But what did they know? Out of everyone it was Minseok who knew Luhan best. He’d seen the cracks and looked past them, thinking they would never develop into the giant fissures that would eventually prove to be too big for Luhan to overcome. To be honest, it was probably a whole lot of things. There was more than enough blame to go around for everyone and still have leftovers.

But still, it hurt.

It hurt everyone. Joonmyun was second guessing his place as a leader, Lay was closing in on himself, and Tao… Minseok just hoped he stopping pushing himself so hard. He was going to hurt himself.

Sitting on his bed and staring at the empty one on the other side of the room, Minseok’s thoughts went back to that night. That night when their beds were joined together as one, when he and Luhan had been one. One of his camera’s was still on the desk, waiting for someone to put it away. But Minseok couldn’t bear to do that, because it was one of the few things left in the room that Luhan had touched, one of the few reminders of his presences. Just that camera, a forgotten pair of shoes, and a large plain envelope that had been hidden among Minseok’s belongings.

He hadn’t been able to open it when he’d first found it. The wound had been too raw. But now, a week later, even if it still hurt, maybe Minseok could find the strength to open it. Summoning every bit of courage he pretended to have, Minseok pushed himself up and crossed over to the desk to open up the top drawer. It took him longer than it should have to reach out and pick up the envelope, but he did it, breaking the weak seal that had been made to keep the contents inside.

Slowly, Minseok turned the envelope upside down to empty it. Ten identical USB flash drives slid out onto the desk. Each had a small tag attached the name of a member written in Luhan’s own handwriting. But Minseok knew exactly which one was his, it was the only one with a different color tag, the only one that was blue. He picked it up and stared at it as if could possibly tell him the answers to all the questions that filled his head. But he didn’t need to plug it in to know what was on it. He knew what was each and every one of them. He set it down and turned the envelope back over to look inside, to make sure that it was empty.

It wasn’t. There was a sheet of paper that had somehow managed to attach itself to the inside. Minseok carefully extracted it. And then with a deep, measured breath, he turned it over to read words that he knew would hurt him no matter what they said.

_Baozi,_

_I’m sorry._

_I know that these words won’t be enough for you, they’re barely enough for me and I’m the one saying them. You’re probably mad at me, and you have every right to be. You’re hurt and angry, and a whole bunch of things I don’t even know how to name. But I didn’t know what else to do…_

The words on the page broke his heart all over again. When he finished them he read them a second time, and then a third and a fourth. He read them over and over again hoping that they would somehow change, that they would tell him this was all a joke and that Luhan was on his way back to them even now. On his way back to him.

But the words didn’t change. They were a final goodbye from someone who couldn’t find the right words to say to him. That was the truth of their relationships, wasn’t it. They were always searching for the right words to say, the right thing to do, the right way to express everything they felt. They’d searched for so long that their time ran out. And now it was too late.

Knowing he shouldn’t, Minseok grabbed the blue flash drive and fished out his laptop.

_...The videos the others and I made are on the flash drives. Hopefully one day they’ll look back at it and be able to remember me with some amount of warmth. They only have their own, but I gave you all of them. It sounds stupid, but I wanted to give you everything, every part of me…_

Luhan was right. Maybe one day he’ll come across this letter and be able to read it without feeling the way that he did now. But right now all he felt was a cold darkness. It hurt so bad that he didn’t even bother to hold back the tears that flowed from his eyes, tears that seemed to come straight from his bleeding heart.

He let them fall even as he opened up the video he and Luhan had made together. And they fell long after the video had finished.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback and Comments welcome.


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